The Uncomfortable Truth About Being Liked (And Why It's Holding You Back)

Hello Self-help Enthusiasts,

Have you ever felt like you're running on a hamster wheel, chasing happiness but never quite catching it?

Or you felt trapped by the need to be liked by others?

Like you're constantly trying to please everyone, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness?

I know I have.

Today, I want to dive into some key insights from my favorite book "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, and share how these lessons can enhance your relationship - with yourself and others.

This book is packed with transformative insights that challenge our views on happiness, interpersonal relationships, and self-acceptance.

As always, I will show you how to apply these concepts with AI to improve your relationships and personal well-being.

Let’s dive in!

Understanding Freedom and Happiness

A few years ago, I was stuck in a job I hated, constantly comparing myself to others. I'd scroll through social media, seeing friends being promotions, getting married, or living life on their own terms.

Each post felt like a punch to the gut.

Why couldn't I have that life?

Then I stumbled upon a book that changed everything: "The Courage to Be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

At first, I rolled my eyes at the title.

Be disliked? Who wants that?

But as I dug in, I realized it wasn't about being a jerk.

It was about living true to yourself, even if others don't always approve.

This book introduces us to the philosophy of Alfred Adler, a psychologist who believed that the key to happiness lies in embracing our true selves, even if it means not being liked by everyone.

Adler argues that the key to happiness isn't in changing your circumstances, but in changing how you view them.

Mind-blowing, right?

The Illusion of Approval

I remember sitting in my cramped apartment, feeling trapped by my circumstances.

My job felt like a dead end, and my relationship was on the rocks.

I kept telling myself,

"I have to stick it out," and "I can't just quit."

But then I read something that shook me to my core.

The book suggested that these thoughts weren't facts - they were stories I was telling myself. And if I was the one telling these stories, I could also change them.

This idea of being the author of my own life story wasn't just about positive thinking. It was about taking radical responsibility for my choices and my reactions.

I realized I had been giving away my power to external circumstances.

My boss, my partner, my bank account - I had turned them all into puppeteers controlling my life. But the strings were imaginary.

I was choosing to act as if I had no choice.

The shift wasn't easy.

It meant facing some uncomfortable truths.

If I was choosing everything in my life, then I had chosen this job, this relationship, this apartment.

And that meant I could also choose differently.

Adler's philosophy challenges our deeply ingrained belief that our worth is determined by others' opinions.

It's a radical shift in perspective, but one that liberated me from the endless cycle of seeking approval.

Try this:

For the next 24 hours, catch yourself every time you say "I have to" or "I can't."

Write it down. At the end of the day, look at your list.

For each item, ask yourself: "If a gun weren't to my head, would this still be true?"

You might be surprised how many of your "have to's" are really "choose to's" in disguise.

Breaking Free from the Need to Be Liked

Other people's opinions? Not your business!

I used to be a people-pleaser extraordinaire.

I thought if I could just be perfect enough, likable enough, successful enough, then I'd finally feel worthy.

But here's the thing: 

no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't control what others thought of me. And even when I did manage to please someone, the satisfaction was fleeting.

There was always someone else to impress, another bar to reach.

The book introduced me to a radical idea: 

other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

At first, this felt selfish.

Wasn't I supposed to care what others thought?

But then I realized: by constantly seeking approval, I wasn't really showing up authentically in my relationships.

I was showing up as who I thought others wanted me to be - and that's not real connection.

Imagine living a life where your decisions are guided by your own values and desires, not by the fear of what others might think.

It's a life where you can say "no" without guilt, express your opinions without hesitation, and pursue your dreams without seeking permission.

This is the freedom that comes with embracing the courage to be disliked.

It's not about being rebellious or intentionally upsetting others.

It's about recognizing that you are the author of your own story, and you have the right to write it in a way that feels authentic to you.

All problems are relationship problems

When I first encountered this idea, I scoffed.

How could my career dissatisfaction be a relationship problem? Or my financial stress?

But as I dug deeper, I started to see the thread.

My career frustration? It was rooted in my relationship with authority figures.

My money issues? They reflected my relationship with security and self-worth.

And at the core of it all was my relationship with myself.

I had been my own harshest critic, my own worst enemy. I demanded perfection, then beat myself up for falling short.

This realization was both terrifying and liberating. 

Terrifying, because it meant I couldn't blame my problems on external factors anymore.

Liberating, because it meant I had the power to change things by changing my relationships - especially the one with myself.

Here's a challenge for you:

Pick a problem you're facing right now.

Any problem.

Now, ask yourself these questions:

• How does this problem reflect my relationship with myself?

• How does it mirror my relationships with others?

• What childhood relationship might this be echoing?

• If I treated myself as I would a dear friend, how would I approach this problem differently?

The courage to be "normal"

In a world that constantly screams "be special", "stand out", "hustle harder" this idea felt like a cool drink of water in a desert.

I had spent years chasing extraordinary.

I thought I needed to be the best, the brightest, the most successful to be worthy of love and happiness.

But this pursuit left me exhausted.

The book challenged me to find courage in normalcy. It's not about settling for less or giving up on growth. It's about accepting that you're already enough, just as you are.

This shift was profound.

Instead of always reaching for the next achievement, I started to appreciate the simple joys of everyday life:

A cup of coffee in the morning.

A genuine laugh with a friend.

The feeling of sunshine on my face.

I realized that by constantly striving to be extraordinary, I was missing out on the beauty of the ordinary.

And paradoxically, when I embraced being "normal," I felt more authentic and content than ever before.

Try this:

For one week, consciously resist the urge to be "special." When you catch yourself trying to impress others or prove your worth, pause.

Ask yourself: "What would I do right now if I already knew I was enough?"

Then do that instead. Notice how it feels to release the pressure of being extraordinary.

AI as Your Ally

Embracing the courage to be disliked is a journey, and it's not always easy. But you don't have to do it alone.

AI tools like ChatGPT, Claude or Google’s Gemini can be a valuable companion on this path.

For example, you can use them to:

• Reflect on your thoughts and feelings about the need for approval.

• Practice setting boundaries and communicating your needs assertively.

• Explore new ways of building relationships based on freedom and acceptance.

Remember, this journey is not about becoming someone you're not.

It's about discovering your true self and having the courage to share that with the world.

So let’s get you started!

I've created a comprehensive prompt that couples can use to get tailored advice based on the principles from "The Courage to Be Disliked."

Prompt: Advanced Relationship Coaching

# Prompt for Relationship Enhancement (Inspired by "The Courage to Be Disliked")

You are a relationship counselor specializing in the philosophies of Adlerian psychology, as presented in "The Courage to Be Disliked." You aim to help couples build healthier, more authentic connections based on freedom, acceptance, and mutual respect.

### Couple's Contextual Information:
{Context 1: Couple Dynamics}: 
{Context 2: Individual Struggles}: 
{Context 3: Desired Outcomes}: 

### Areas for Guidance and Exploration:

1. **Freedom from Approval Seeking:**  
   - How can we break free from the need for constant approval from each other or others?
   - In what ways are we sacrificing our true selves to please our partner or others?

2. **Embracing Individuality:**
   - How can we better support each other's individuality and personal growth?
   - Are there areas where we are trying to control or change our partner?

3. **Building Authentic Connection:**
   - How can we create a space for open communication, even when it's uncomfortable?
   - What are some practical steps we can take to express our true selves without fear of judgment?

4. **Overcoming "Relationship Problems":**
   - In what ways are our current challenges rooted in our relationship dynamics?
   - How can we reframe these challenges as opportunities for growth and deeper connection?

5. **Courage to Be "Normal":**
   - How can we embrace the simple joys of everyday life together?
   - In what ways are we placing unrealistic expectations on ourselves or our relationship?

### Additional Notes:
* Remember, this is a safe space for open and honest communication.

### Your Role as Counselor:

1. Provide guidance based on Adlerian principles and the teachings of "The Courage to Be Disliked."
2. Offer practical tips and exercises to help the couple apply these concepts to their relationship.
3. Encourage open dialogue and reflection between the partners.
4. Help the couple identify and challenge any limiting beliefs or behaviors.
5. Support the couple in creating a relationship based on freedom, acceptance, and authentic connection. 

HOW TO USE THE PROMPT

Instructions for the Couple

Here is the output I received for the example inputs above.

Read the full output here!

WHAT YOU LEARNED TODAY 

Engage with Us!

Your experiences, stories, and insights are what drive this community. Have you discovered something new about your partner?

Faced challenges in discussing feelings?

Share your stories by replying to this email or on our social platforms using the hashtag #AIrelationshipcoach.

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I strive to bring topics that genuinely enhance your life and relationships.

If there's a subject you're curious about or a challenge you face, let me know!

Your input is invaluable in shaping my content.

Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your relationship journey.

Warm regards,

Stephan